Archive for the ‘Fergie’ Category

Friday, August 8th, 2008

Fergie’s Feet

Click To Enlarge Feet

Not to be confused with Fergie the Duchess, Fergie the pop singer from Hacienda Heights, California, did record an album called The Dutchess which should certainly confuse royalty issues. Born as far away from a castle as you can possibly get, Fergie the singer, nee Stacy Ann Ferguson, was raised with strict religious values, but was hard to contain as a kid. And it was either shoot her up with morphine or Ritalin. Her mother, a schoolteacher, not wanting a zombie for a kid, nixed the idea. Which was just as well because Fergie wound up being a girl scout, a straight-A student, a spelling bee champion and eventually made use of all the characters in her head by doing voiceovers for commercials. The young Fergie then landed a spot on the kids’ TV series Kids Incorporated. A contract dispute eventually prevented her from appearing in the re-make of John Carpenter’s The Fog, so Fergie did the next best thing. She worked in Wolfgang Peterson’s turd-on-water remake of The Poseidon Adventure. Fergie later appeared in Grindhouse where she plays a lesbian. Which brings us to the issue at hand: the rather macho, greasy-haired square-jawed don’t screw with me pose Fergie’s assuming in this photograph. The gladiator belt, we think, also adds a nice overall touch to a statement that says I’ve seen the inside of a lot of combat arenas, and I was the one who got out alive. But this could be a trick of an overactive imagination and, hence, our need for Ritalin. And, those shoes. Those Madam Olga hand-me-downs. We’ve seen them hundreds of times over and again on red carpets, and they never fail to spark a sense of wonder in our foot loving souls. Why? Why would a woman dare to assume that there was sex appeal nestling among those craven straps? Fergie dared to assume. We dare to give her a “six” for toenails that pass for glaucoma.

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