Archive for the ‘9 out of 10’ Category

9 out of 10 Feet Up!

There was this derring-do Hemingway-type explorer and adventurer named Frank Buck. Buck, a mustachioed rake in his heyday who wore those goofy jungle pants with the big knee bags, was principally a hunter and collector of wild animals. And Buck was known as the guy who brought ‘em back alive. Evidently one of Buck’s collections now adorns actress Laura Allen. From the remote regions of Zanzibar is our guess, but that would only be a guess. Whether dressing for a Polish film festival or simply lounging around a mud hut in Kenya, Allen seems comfortable and secure with her choices. Born in Portland, Oregon and raised in Washington, Allen was a Sociology major in college and worked with the NYPD as a domestic violence counselor before turning to acting. And if you’ve seen any of those guns and kitchen knife performances in the Bronx on a Saturday night, you realize there’s not much of a turn. After winding up in a variety of bad movies such as Mona Lisa Smile, Allen found her true calling in the TV element with shows like Criminal Minds along with Law & Order. If you see another pattern developing here, step to the head of the class, Columbo. As she pivots with a saucy side pose, Laura exhibits the goods that summon maddening howls from the heart of a wolf. For Laura is the white smoke of burning ecstasy, and her feet summon great waves of hot blood pouring into the veins. We’ll give her a “9″ for now, and if she goes barefoot on the next safari, who knows?

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9 out of 10 Feet Up!

As night follows day, it doesn’t necessarily follow that cute women will have cute feet. We have seen genuine beauties drag around a set of ball peen hammers then try to slip them into hideous, width diminishing, cramped footwear. But Courtney Hansen, an actress, television model and- get this- syndicated columnist, appears to be blessed on most scales of pulchritudinous evaluation. Courtney’s father has been the winner of scads of auto racing championships and Courtney, who grew up in Orono, Minnesota around the track pits, certainly would know the smell of racing combustion when it gets into her nostrils. With a degree in marketing from Florida State University, Courtney’s also been a skin care and fitness model and was named one of FHM’s “100 Sexiest Women in the World 2005.” A woman whose genetic assembly and made for speed chassis will obviously allow her to do no wrong, Courtney chooses an outfit from the Owens Corning home shingle line- in gray- to match a day in Seattle. Obviously practiced in the style of direct-response coquetry [yeah that sly, practiced pseudo-wink came out of nowhere], Courtney’s no doubt been trained to get all she can out of life. With a better choice of shoes she might have gotten a higher score. But we’re no sucker for slinky dames and their cultivated feminine wiles. Courtney gets a “9″. That’ll show her.

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9 out of 10 Feet Up!

In her role as Charlotte in Sex and the City, Kristin Davis always struck us as the tight ass of the group- kinda close-minded and very close legged. No more. Especially when the Internet came alive recently with suggestions that Davis had been in a sex tape. Oh there were the haughty denials from the Davis P.R. camp, of course. Except, let’s face it. The woman in the tape was either Davis or Wanda Slinkowski, a famous Davis impersonator. We’ll probably never know. As soon as that furor died down, Davis was back in the news again. Only now she was being confused with a fat-assed, thick legged peroxide hooker in New York with the same name. What’s a girl to do? More famous now than she’s ever been- at least by sexual association- the formerly reticent Davis is really opening up. Day after day there’s a new tabloid account about how Davis is an inveterate boozer and desirous of having a child before her Fallopian tubes close off. A weekend supplying both those needs could be quite the thing, we imagine. Davis makes no bones about the fact, either, that she’s open to any come-on involving celebrity and has spent time on the pillows with the likes of Steve Martin, Alec Baldwin, Jeff Goldbum and Liev Schreiber. Two of which are toupee wearers but you can figure that one out for yourselves. With her choices of companionship, any Five & Dime shrink will make the case for Davis and her daddy/abandonment issues. Particularly since her parents split up when Davis was still in the crib shitting her pants. In the healing process, our theory is much simpler. Blow smoke up that Hong Kong hooker outfit of hers and watch the fur fly, if you will. Another five will get you “9″ that by the time those shoes come off and thumbs are applying pressure to those womanly calves, playful toes and heavenly arches, Kristen will have forgotten all about Alec Baldwin and her father. And wouldn’t that be Freudian.

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9 out of 10 Feet Up!

Born Karlovy Vary in the Czech Republic, the beautiful windswept-looking Hana Soukupova changed her name feeling that it might be easier to pronounce. Known as “Soupy” among her playmates, Hana, because of her height [she’s 6′] began playing basketball at age 13 and led the Czech outdoor league in personal fouls, thrown elbows and restraining orders. In a that’s-the-way-life-goes scenario, one minute she’s a center, next minute Hana’s center of attention as one of the world’s top supermodels. But as we all know from reading Jacqueline Susann novels, it all ends very badly for beautiful women. When she’s not sashaying on the runway, Hana likes to stay in shape by either slamming a punching bag or using a man as one. Frankly our revenge would be sweet with a roaming hand up that flowing, mysterious dark garb. Wanna bet there’s nothing but a free throw line underneath that sorceress outfit? Figuring if we gave her a perfect score for perfect feet that are probably the size of the Prague, Hana would only have expected it to begin with. Because, well, she’s a supermodel. But because, well, we’re no supermodel punching bag, she gets a “9″.

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9 out of 10 Feet Up!

At first glance we thought this was Michael Jackson sporting a beard thanks to one of his latest hair implants. But we were wrong - it’s Dave Navarro a rock star who, possibly, just looks short. Which is a bummer because short rock stars always have to find chicks shorter than themselves who themselves will appear short next to the rock star while wearing heels that make they, themselves, look taller. It’s all very simple, really. Accompanying Navarro outside of a Baja Fresh where they may have shared a Fajita, is porn star Stormy Daniels who is neither simple nor Ashkenazi. That’s because Daniels is a princess and will tell you that herself. And very often, from our understanding. Daniels, a tart-tongued blond with breasts the size of Volkswagen hub caps, certainly gets around town, and is often snapped on red carpets with marginal stars like Tony Soprano and that Spartan guy with the abs from the movie 300. That’s because Daniels is one of those porn stars who has successfully crossed over into the nebulous world of the “mainstream.” Essentially, which means that Daniels gets to play strippers and do gratuitous nude shower scenes in movies that aren’t shot in San Fernado Valley motel rooms. Believe it or not, Daniels began her career as a 17 year-old stripper. What a surprising coincidence. She was born in Baton Rouge, Louisiana and is a Pisces, the astrological sign for alcohol consumption. An only child, and a president of the 4-H Club, Daniels attended a “magnet school” in Louisiana which automatically gives us a connect with her because we have many of those on our refrigerator door. Along the way, Daniels, a contract star for Wicked Pictures and an award-winning director, had a one minute she is, next minute she isn’t marriage to fellow porn performer Pat Myne. Because female porn performers rarely engage in sexual activity without shoes, it’s hardly surprising to see that Stormy is wearing a pair. Hmmm. Legs seem to be in order. Decaled toes are all present and accounted for. We’ll give Stormy a “9″ and if that qualifies for an Editors’ Choice, boy, have we got a motel room with her name on the registry.

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