Archive for the ‘Perfect 10’ Category

Perfect 10 Feet Up!

Any good-looking woman named after opium is alright in our book! The great thing about her name is that you don’t have to get too whacked in the head or ship your brains to Tijuana to enjoy the pleasures of apparent flesh which the delightful Poppy Montgomery offers. Poppy, 36 and born in Australia, came to the United States when she was 18. Tied to a string of insignificant theatrical projects, failures and crappy movies, Poppy’s crowning touch is the fact that she played Marilyn Monroe in the turgid and unending 2001 CBS mini-series Blonde, based on the novel by Joyce Carol Oates (although we enjoyed the little-seen Hall & Oates European version a lot better). As you might suspect, her parents named Poppy after the flower. Although unconfirmed, we have heard that her middle name, Petal, is derived from the family bicycle. Sheathed in diaphanous white, Poppy’s so blissfully radiant that we could cry. That is, until we check out the menacing set of Yakuza Oriental characters burned into her left forearm. Why pretty women do this we are at a loss to explain. Even through mesh, we get a sense of an off limits no-fly zone that Poppy’s created for her feet. No tattoo needles there. Her pedicure survives the rigors of close inspection and the tan, along with the supreme curvature of the calf, helps score a “10″ in the game of Footsie.

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Perfect 10 Feet Up!

As the long suffering wife of Larry David on HBO’s Curb Your Enthusiasm, Cheryl Hines might know a thing or two about a pain in the ass. And while we’d like to manually relieve her of discomfort in that anatomical region, we’d be violating our strict code of personal ethics and by-laws which limit access to strictly the ankle area. Born in Miami Beach and raised in Tallahassee, Cheryl describes her father as “sort of a redneck,” which is like saying you’re sort of knocked up. Hines admits she was pretty much of an all-night partyer and the fact that she attended three different colleges attests to her obvious strong commitment to focusing and staying on message. Hines moved to Los Angeles to pursue an acting career and wound up as personal assistant to Rob Reiner where she must have heard some hilarious toupee stories from his All in the Family days. Gravitating towards comedy, Hines studied the craft along with Lisa Kudrow as both women developed revolutionary strides in the art of the dough-faced double-take. The lessons were learned well. And, as we note from this picture, Hines, in the process, has become a hand on the hip, red carpet event sophisticate with a sense of worldly abandonment. She knows what she’s packing below the knee and isn’t afraid to show it. In one jaunty pose, Cheryl’s on the mark, getting ready and set to go. The starter’s pistol goes off at the count of “10″.

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Perfect 10 Feet Up!

Our first brush with the blond Minnesota sexpot Marissa Coughlan came in the film Super Troopers where we burnt animal sacrifices and offered prayers - which weren’t answered - that she’d get naked. Proof, as far as we’re concerned, that there is no supreme potentate of the universe. In her role as a cop too hot for her department issued panties, Coughlan, formerly of the cast of Boston Legal, was all smolder and sex and went on to do such movies as Teaching Mrs. Tingle and Freddy Got Fingered. Call it our imagination, but we see a pattern clearly developing. That plus the fact that Marissa once appeared on the cover of Stuff magazine convinces us that she’s trying to get in touch with her inner porn star. And this outfit which literally screams stroke my thighs, violate my shapely arches and screw me out of my paycheck affords more than ample proof. Aware of the fact that Marissa graduated from a small, private school in Minneapolis, we could arrange for an intimate cram course for two. And knowing that girls from the Fish Me Out of The Frozen River state, are still susceptible to the come on lines that went out with Jesse Ventura, we’d be cornball as hell, offer her a “10″ and name a toenail in her honor. A pretty good deal, we think.

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Perfect 10 Feet Up!

Born in Marco Island, Florida where they invented the annoying and obnoxious Marco Polo kids game, TV’s “Gossip Girl” Leighton Meester, because of her unusual name, was often the target of pranks from young punks looking for kicks. Many was the afternoon she’d be taunted with Leigh Meester-Rob, an obviously intellectual ESPN-type play of words on the French novel and Broadway show, Les Miserables. And Leighton’s home turf was often referred to as Meester Rogers Neighborhood. But Leighton’s world soon expanded beyond cardigan sweaters, touchy-feely, thin wristed men and Dr. Seuss medleys. The Wizard of Oz gave Leighton an early acting bug, and she scratched her first professional itch on Law and Order, which is hardly surprising since everyone in the northern hemisphere is scheduled to be on the show. Proving that holdover Leave It to Beaver lampshades from the Fifties have both form and function when adapted for day wear, Leighton, without even a hint of toe crud, displays an almost immaculate sense of being. Meaning that we don’t know whether to pray to her, or spray on her. Assuming the latter choice is put into play, we can only guess at the itinerary once those pesky Egyptian Khufu dynasty shoes kick off. Meet cha by the Hill of the Seven Jackals at “10″ tonight, Leighton.

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Perfect 10 Feet Up!

In the Hall of Vacuous fame, Karina Smirnov’s a Babe Ruth. A contestant on Dancing with the Stars and famous for having dated Mario Lopez, Smirnov leaves no traces of celebrity footprint - no MySpace pages, Wikipedia listings, rap sheets, and, oh, maybe one obscure TMZ reference about her dress nearly falling off. And if Smirnov vanished entirely off the face of this earth, Access Hollywood would be stumped for things to say other than the fact that her dress nearly fell off one time on Dancing with the Stars. Born Kristina Smoulankova-Carteblancheski, Kristina shortened her name to Smirnov in honor of what Uncle Petrov used to supplement his corn flakes with in the morning. The fact that she chose this particular family member as a practice dance partner at an early age led to some fascinating discussions around the dinner table, we’re sure, but prepared Karina later for dealing with the pressures of having her dress nearly falling off. Smartly coiffed, stylishly pampered yet with no visible means of support, Karina is obviously well attended to but, sadly, her dress isn’t falling off. Which ushers us to our next fantasy. A Miss Foot contest in the privacy of our domecile. We already see points for congeniality and talent. Now if Mario Lopez would vacate the premises, we’d give Karina a “10″ and see where this dance really leads us.

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