Archive for the ‘1 out of 10’ Category

1 out of 10 Feet Up!

You got to ask yourself - what the hell was comedienne Kathy Griffin thinking? Did she figure by going to Bruce Jenner’s plastic surgeon that the outcome would be significantly better and she’d wind up looking young, youthful and glamorous? Instead, Griffin, a self-proclaimed “D” list celebrity, gets a funhouse/ Howdy Doody face permanently stenciled on her puss. And there’s not much you can do about that other than pray for a man in your life named Buffalo Bob or a carny barker named Slim. Then, again, comedian Kathy, who’s had HBO specials as well as appeared in sitcoms and movies, always used her cockeyed mug as a source for laughs. Predictably she’ll get big ones, now. Proving that mortuary sheaths come in other colors besides black, Kathy puts a brave foot forward, and, in the process, begs to be put under the FFD magnifying glass. If you had a 45 pound Olympic barbell plate come crashing down on your toes, you might get the same results. We know that “1″ ain’t a funny number. Then again we didn’t have to pay big bucks in Beverly Hills to get it.

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1 out of 10 Feet Up!

Kelly Hu? Yeah, you can do a whole Abbott and Costello routine with that name. Born in Honolulu, Hu is a former Miss Teen USA and the first Asian to win that distinction. She’s also the daughter of an exotic bird feeder, Herbert Hu, who may have shortened his name not to be confused with Herbert Hoover the crook who singlehandedly created the Great Depression. Having force fed an exotic bird or two in our lives, we understand Kelly’s need to beat up boys in the neighborhood, and so her brother arranged Kung Fu matches for the Martial Arts-oriented Kelly to do so. A graduate of Pepperdine University, Kelly wound up getting some modeling gigs and is apparently famous for a series of Philadelphia Cream Cheese ads in which she karate chops a block of it in half. Kelly went on to do a gig in the TV series Growing Pains which was pretty much the career cul-de-sac for most young actors. Unless you argue for her subsequent part in Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan as a step up the thespian rung. An abysmal showing in the Miss USA pageant would have convinced most women to have taken that waitressing job at TGI Friday’s. Except Kelly persisted and got typecast as the butch lady cop in a number of films and TV series including Nash Bridges. Hu, who also embraces poker like a fat man hugs a greasy Italian sandwich, is getting way up there and never been married. We say no more. Ala Brooke Shields, Hu has adopted the Hefty Cinch Sak for afternoon wear. Beyond that, the dame’s got a nice looking set of pins down to the hefty bulge we like in the calves. Tanned and inviting. Then we venture down a bit further, and all of a sudden we’re in a cemetery. Crypt Keeper toes beckon us. But we refuse their heed because we’re way too young to party with corpses. We give Kelly a farewell “1″ realizing it’s also bad luck to whistle in the graveyard.

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1 out of 10 Feet Up!

Born in Alberta, Canada, TV actress Jill Hennessy’s father was a meat salesman - something we can relate to having been meat handlers ourselves since puberty. Because of the constant moves, Jill’s mom Maxine, a Ukranian Gypsy, took the horses, the family wagon and re-married a meat salesman named Bela. Which makes weird sense in a way because Jill has an identical twin sister named Jacqueline and the Hennessys do have a tendency to repeat themselves. One of 5,000 actresses to have appeared on Law & Order, Jill is obviously stylish to the max, whether dressing for the convent, funerals or an evening out at church. She also holds the distinction of being the only woman in Hollywood to have committed the fashion foot-pas of wearing dark stockings- having borrowed this pair from another sister, Sister Naomi Marie of the St. Francis is a Sissy Academy for girls with varicose veins. Among her impressive film credits, Hennessy played Lisa in a film titled Chutney Popcorn, based on her experiences as a colonel in the Edmonton gypsy militia. A recipient of a star on Canada’s Walk of Fame, Hennessy in 2001 portrayed Jackie Kennedy in the film Jackie, Ethel, Joan: The Women of Camelot and was considered for Moe, Larry, Curly: The Stooges of Camelot sequel. In 2000 Hennessy married, and her husband converted the business equivalent of the seven-ten split by opening a bar next to some famous bowling alley in Northvale, New Jersey. Hennessy’s resume being one lustrous moment after another, who could forget the fact that the highly esteemed Minneapolis-based band Mollycuddle wrote the song “The Ballad of Jill Hennessy” in honor of her. The little known number on the flip side is titled Mommas Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to Wear Nylons rumored to have been penned by Willie Nelson. So even our go-to guy the always optimistic Vinnie The Foot throws his hands up on this one. Using parlance made famous at the even more famous Paramus bowling lanes, Vinnie says a solid strike in the pocket leaves the “1″ pin standing.

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1 out of 10 Feet Up!

Picture Demi Moore with a manly Bruce Campbell chin, and you’ve got Rumer Glenn Willis. You wouldn’t expect the daughter of Bruce Willis to have been born in Paducah, Kentucky, nor with an ungodly handle like Rumer. But we’re sure that all the women out there named Canard feel exactly the same way. Rumer dropped out of the University of Southern California to pal with Lindsay Lohan and Elvis Presley’s granddaughter, Riley, so you can see pretty much where this disaster is headed. Willis made her film debut alongside her mother in the Now and Then, where she played Angela Albertson. Specializing in characters named Angela, the following year she was Angela Grant in the film Striptease. Realizing her career was headed for a creative rut, Rumer switched gears and appeared alongside her father in the picture, Hostage, this time playing a character named Amanda. Finding a project more to her liking and personal style, Rumer will have a cameo in an imminent car wreck titled, Whore. While rumors, pardon the pun, abound about her on perezhilton.com, here’s one that obviously isn’t. Realizing that club feet have become a fashion trend among young celebrities, we didn’t realize that it’s such an open-toed celebration as well. Call us old fashioned, but we like out feet arched and traveling in one direction. The sign post up ahead. Route “1″.

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1 out of 10 Feet Up!

The football world was stunned recently when Chicago Bears linebacker Brian Urlacher made rumblings about his lavish contract and how unhappy he was with it, and that he might walk, yadda, yadda, yadda. The good news is that Lisa Marie Presley is ready to jump in if push ever comes to shove in the Windy City. Yes, that Lisa Marie- the daughter of The King and swimsuit centerfold for the Ben & Jerry’s Illustrated inaugural edition. Lisa, who plans to compete in this year’s Mr. Olympia, has obviously packed it on since the days she moonwalked down the aisle with Michael Jackson. But haven’t we all. Born in Tennessee, the get very heavy later in life state, Lisa lived in Graceland - which as we all know was the nexus of mental stability. Rumors of Lisa running a comb through her father’s oily pompadour in forbidden moments are flatly denied, however. As any Maharani of Memphis, Lisa Marie was quite pampered and indulged by Elvis who dressed her in fur, lavished her with jewels, and, as the story goes, flew her to Idaho aboard the family private jet just so Lisa could play in the snow. To this day, Lisa Marie maintains that idyllic tradition, only now it’s for impromptu autograph sessions at Fatburger. From the time she was young, Lisa attended schools of scientology, but her brain was often sent to the principal’s office for an ethics car wash. Hard to imagine, considering Elvis’ spotless legacy, but Lisa has admitted to experimenting with drugs. By the time she was 25, Lisa Marie scored the big money when everyone connected to the Elvis holdings was dead, gone, and she became the sole executor of the Heartbreak Hotel residuals. Marriages she’s had a few, but then again, too few to mention. There was some bozo in 1988 and then Jackson, of course. And Nicholas Cage whose own fading hairline could never quite duplicate Elvis’, felt threatened and yammered about “irreconcilable differences.” But we all know the truth to that one. A fourth try with compulsory visits to Lisa’s private Graceland has apparently put her in the Mama Cass condition we now see. Which puts us in a quandary. If we come down heavy on a pregnanto, we’re seen as vicious, cold-hearted sexist bastards seeking the cheap foot thrill. And the point being? “Don’t be cruel to a heart that’s true,” the King often sang. But even with that princely advice we can’t help ignore certain fetish realities. Chunky is as chunky does. The lights turn low, the shoes come off. Put a quarter in the jukebox, Slim. “1″ is the loneliest number….

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