Archive for August, 2008

6 out of 10 Feet Up!

Obviously displaying little or no regard for the axiom of truth in advertising, the cigar-smoking actress Melinda Clarke of Dana Point, California, has on many occasions referred to herself as the sexiest woman of all time. Clarke, now at age 39, has evidently not seen the explosive set of Julie Christie photos which grace these pages, and our suggestion is that Clarke refer to those before making any more outlandish statements she could be challenged on. Clarke’s a veteran of daytime soap operas, but the overall grunge appearance presented, especially with those vineyard worker’s sandals, suggests she might use a bar of it on special occasions. After all, these are cruel, harsh times and one cannot afford to be particularly lenient. Clarke’s appearance on CSI on four occasions as a Dominatrix has intrigued us, as well as the fact that one time she made an appearance on the old Seinfeld show as Jerry’s annoying girlfriend. Which is almost an absolute redundancy when you think about it. A steady role in O.C. and a guest appearance on Entourage brings you up to speed on any possible Clarke spot quiz. Regarding her frock from the Goodwill collection, one might have to make allowances for possible indigence  since the age of 40 is when the phone stops ringing for most women. More so with actresses. OLF [old lady feet] is also starting to kick in with Melinda. And while a “6″ reflecting a lot of road wear and grape stomping might be hard to grasp for the sexiest woman of all time, it’s a plain fact in this matter.

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9 out of 10 Feet Up!

As night follows day, it doesn’t necessarily follow that cute women will have cute feet. We have seen genuine beauties drag around a set of ball peen hammers then try to slip them into hideous, width diminishing, cramped footwear. But Courtney Hansen, an actress, television model and- get this- syndicated columnist, appears to be blessed on most scales of pulchritudinous evaluation. Courtney’s father has been the winner of scads of auto racing championships and Courtney, who grew up in Orono, Minnesota around the track pits, certainly would know the smell of racing combustion when it gets into her nostrils. With a degree in marketing from Florida State University, Courtney’s also been a skin care and fitness model and was named one of FHM’s “100 Sexiest Women in the World 2005.” A woman whose genetic assembly and made for speed chassis will obviously allow her to do no wrong, Courtney chooses an outfit from the Owens Corning home shingle line- in gray- to match a day in Seattle. Obviously practiced in the style of direct-response coquetry [yeah that sly, practiced pseudo-wink came out of nowhere], Courtney’s no doubt been trained to get all she can out of life. With a better choice of shoes she might have gotten a higher score. But we’re no sucker for slinky dames and their cultivated feminine wiles. Courtney gets a “9″. That’ll show her.

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6 out of 10 Feet Up!

Born in Malaysia and a former beauty contest winner, actress Michelle Yeoh, whose background is Martial Arts movies, specializes in playing Oriental broads who can defy gravity, walk up walls and beat the snot out of slant eyed bad guys. Which makes us a bit reticent to offer any critiques of Michelle’s fashion stylings even in a droll, light hearted, sophisticated vein. As you probably gathered from her latest flick The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor, in which she plays a witch, Michelle can go from inner tranquility to bad ass quicker than you can say Jet Li. As a young woman, Michelle entertained ideas of becoming a prima ballerina but, quicker than you can say Christopher Reeve, a spinal injury put a restraining order to that aspect of her career. However, quicker than you can say Jackie Chan, Michelle went from being a Miss World pageant contestant to doing commercials with the Kung Fu icon which caught the attention of a film company. Once selected as one of the 50 Most Beautiful People in the World, Michelle now at the ripe age of 46, obviously dresses in the belief that fairy godmothers can still walk the red carpet and maintain dignity, sheathed in a yellow window curtain. The feet also present another problem. Michelle’s left foot forward is a display of crouching toenail, hidden bunion. Could it be that her shoes are too tight or is our Kung Fu better than hers? Having played an immortal in the recent mummy movie, Michelle can take an eternity to ponder the “six” we give her.

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6 out of 10 Feet Up!

Not to be confused with Fergie the Duchess, Fergie the pop singer from Hacienda Heights, California, did record an album called The Dutchess which should certainly confuse royalty issues. Born as far away from a castle as you can possibly get, Fergie the singer, nee Stacy Ann Ferguson, was raised with strict religious values, but was hard to contain as a kid. And it was either shoot her up with morphine or Ritalin. Her mother, a schoolteacher, not wanting a zombie for a kid, nixed the idea. Which was just as well because Fergie wound up being a girl scout, a straight-A student, a spelling bee champion and eventually made use of all the characters in her head by doing voiceovers for commercials. The young Fergie then landed a spot on the kids’ TV series Kids Incorporated. A contract dispute eventually prevented her from appearing in the re-make of John Carpenter’s The Fog, so Fergie did the next best thing. She worked in Wolfgang Peterson’s turd-on-water remake of The Poseidon Adventure. Fergie later appeared in Grindhouse where she plays a lesbian. Which brings us to the issue at hand: the rather macho, greasy-haired square-jawed don’t screw with me pose Fergie’s assuming in this photograph. The gladiator belt, we think, also adds a nice overall touch to a statement that says I’ve seen the inside of a lot of combat arenas, and I was the one who got out alive. But this could be a trick of an overactive imagination and, hence, our need for Ritalin. And, those shoes. Those Madam Olga hand-me-downs. We’ve seen them hundreds of times over and again on red carpets, and they never fail to spark a sense of wonder in our foot loving souls. Why? Why would a woman dare to assume that there was sex appeal nestling among those craven straps? Fergie dared to assume. We dare to give her a “six” for toenails that pass for glaucoma.

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