Archive for July, 2008

4 out of 10 Feet Up!

Venus Williams turned pro when she was 14. Other women wait until at least their 18th birthday, though probably have spent more time in jail for their efforts. Venus, on the other hand, began as a winner and won often, and, in doing, so displayed the killer instinct of a headhunter from the delta in the lower Zambezi. But forget her Wimbledon titles, her Grand Slams and her Olympic gold medals for a minute. Forget her explosive 129 mph serve, considered the most powerful on the women’s pro tennis tour. The question is would you, under any circumstances, do Venus Williams? And the answer, unlike a quick, unchecked affirmative blurt in a 2 am drunken stupor at a cheap bar of smelly socks and stale beer, might require days in the formulation of an opinion. That’s because Williams, thicker of body and consequent muscle at one time, has slimmed to almost starving runway model proportions. The thighs and calves, now, are almost waif-like, sprinkled with US Open pixie dust. Except only in true Geometry does a foot never lose its size. Instead, by optical illusion it appears even larger. More to play with, you say? More toe for the taking? Fine, and you can be our guest of honor at the next canal boat race in Erie, Pennsylvania. That’s one athletic event Venus doesn’t win what with those lumbering “Fours” to lug around.

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5 out of 10 Feet Up!

No relation to Harry Potter, Monica Potter, born Monica Gregg Brokaw, only bears the coincidence of name to Tom Brokaw. So exactly who the hell is she? For one, her father, Paul, invented the first flame-resistant car wax. You probably read about it in all the papers. For her part, and that was a big one, Monica was a product of the Cleveland school system. As a youth she was torn between having a career either as a nun or an actress. Finding it difficult to make both of those closely-related life choices work simultaneously, Monica opted for the bright lights and big city in front of the camera. She started off in daytime soap opera- The Young and the Restless- and availed herself quite spectacularly as Nicholas Cage’s wife in Con Air, a film about long haired ugly guys taking a plane ride. Potter also starred opposite Robin Williams in Patch Adams [she’s the one in the gas station having her flat fixed]. At 37, Potter obviously has some va-va-voom left in her, but she’s strongly advised against wearing slips in public. Where Potter really takes an unyielding hammer is the fact of her lumpy, varicose shins. And, like the Mayan civilization ruins, her feet are remnants of a once proud tribe of ancients. Dare we look closer at these antiquities of another age? The bulge on the side of her right toe probably has colorful stories to tell while the rest of the crew stick out like black voters in a Palm Beach Republican ward. Sad that it has come to this. On a drunken night, Monica looks good in the dim. In the harsh light of common sense “5″ is being quite realistic.

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8 out of 10 Feet Up!

Not to be confused with Aerosol Thomas, the heiress to the spray can fortune, Marisol Maldonado Thomas is a Latina model no one ever heard of and is most famous for marrying Rob Thomas a singer no one’s ever heard of. Rob must be big in Puerto Rico, however, because in every photo op, Marisol, a native of Queens, is seen surgically attached to his arm. For the record, and we’re just being silly, Rob Thomas is the lead singer of Matchbox Twenty, a rock band from Florida which got its name because everyone in it carries Zippo lighters. Marisol, who suffers from a rare autoimmune disorder similar to lupus erythematosus, suffers not from lack of strong leg which this photo would indicate. Although that dress might look better with a gypsy’s crystal ball sitting on it. Marisol also exhibits an expansive grin because being married to a music personality guarantees instant retirement and a life of unfathomable luxury. Does this reflect in her feet? To some extent, with a high concept pedicure, some obvious pampering and knowledge that you can always exchange your “8″ for a higher number at the store. Because, after all, you are Marisol Maldonado Thomas.

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5 out of 10 Feet Up!

One day Lily Collins will round out those low impact, intractable hips. But it isn’t today. If not for that fact, it’s still comforting to know that when Brooke Shields shoves off from this mortal coil there’s a set of plastic eyebrows waiting in the wings. And those would belong to Lily, the daughter of musician Phil Collins. Compliments of dear old dad’s last name, Lily apparently got some instant gig as a Tommy Hilfinger model and reports from the red carpet for Nickelodeon. Standing rigidly at attention, Lily must have had some early exposure to the Buckingham palace guard lifestyle because a 120 mile an hour fastball couldn’t knock this stone milk bottle off its perch in a carnival game. Truth is, though, once Lily loosens up and allows some air up that blue dress, she’ll probably be life of the party - as soon as she gets over that Sunday school composure. Unfortunately, wolf whistles don’t seem to be echoing from this pic, and those sandals got to go back to the Israelite who’s wandering around in the desert bare footed. Great feet sometimes spring from ugly ducklings, as well, but it isn’t today. There’s something in the air tonight. We think it’s a “5″.

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8 out of 10 Feet Up!

Vanity, Sheila E, Apollonia. After awhile the women in the Prince lexicon all melt into one big haired, ethnic indeterminate hybrid. And such is the story of Apollonia Kotero, a former swimsuit model, who came along to replace Vanity in the film Purple Rain and went on to having her own music career. Speaking of melting, though, one might ask a question of immense subtlety: like, what the hell happened to Kotero’s face in the intervening years besides the chipmunk implants and God knows what else? Our immediate suspicion is that Apollonia has turned into Joanie Laurer, aka, Chyna, the lady wrestler. Or worse yet a Stockard Channing clone. And that would be the grimmest of all assumptions, unless you include the possibility of grandma Kardashian. There’s no rhyme or reason to what’s happened here, unless you accept the influence Lorenzo Lamas may have had on Apollonio during her time on Falcon Crest. Now we’ll give Apollonia points on the fact that she’s well stocked and packs a mean figure- i.e. Frisbee-sized implants- into a tiny red dress. Bulky calves don’t hurt the overall picture, either because they’re generally the barometer of good, honest feet. The overall picture is of a spa-pampered woman whose corns have yet to turn the Julie Christie corner, but we know that’s coming. If Apollonia isn’t satisfied with the “8″ we give her, she can always bequeath it to one of the winners in her lookalike contest.

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