Archive for May, 2008

7 out of 10 Feet Up!

If your cable service provider has British TV you’re apt to know more about Catherine “Cat” Deeley than is probably necessary. Deeley’s another of those long-haired interchangeable blonds with pipe cleaner thighs that today’s style of youth programming spits out unremittingly on the assembly line. A disc jockey and model, Deeley hosts another of those knock-off Fox reality series called So You Think You Can Dance. Which, as you might gather to make it more amusing, embraces the idea of inviting those who can’t. While we were under the impression that the sarong-style bath towel went out with Jayne Mansfield, Deeley brings it back with chintz, flourish and a personalized statement. The feet? Yeah, we’ve seen a lot of this happening lately- the tendency for the toes to knuckle up, crinkle and expire maybe 40 years before the rest of the body does. What prompts this is a mystery perhaps best answered by a post mortem. But our advice, for now, is to gather ye Catherines while ye may. Give her a “7″, get the job done and know there’ll be one just like her in a matter of minutes to take over.

Posted in 7 out of 10, Cat Deeley | No Comments »

1 out of 10 Feet Up!

You got to ask yourself - what the hell was comedienne Kathy Griffin thinking? Did she figure by going to Bruce Jenner’s plastic surgeon that the outcome would be significantly better and she’d wind up looking young, youthful and glamorous? Instead, Griffin, a self-proclaimed “D” list celebrity, gets a funhouse/ Howdy Doody face permanently stenciled on her puss. And there’s not much you can do about that other than pray for a man in your life named Buffalo Bob or a carny barker named Slim. Then, again, comedian Kathy, who’s had HBO specials as well as appeared in sitcoms and movies, always used her cockeyed mug as a source for laughs. Predictably she’ll get big ones, now. Proving that mortuary sheaths come in other colors besides black, Kathy puts a brave foot forward, and, in the process, begs to be put under the FFD magnifying glass. If you had a 45 pound Olympic barbell plate come crashing down on your toes, you might get the same results. We know that “1″ ain’t a funny number. Then again we didn’t have to pay big bucks in Beverly Hills to get it.

Posted in 1 out of 10, Kathy Griffin | 1 Comment »

6 out of 10 Feet Up!

Like mother, like daughter the old saying goes. But that’s not always true. Take actress Susan Sarandon, for instance. A social and political activist, particularly for transgender causes, Sarandon - innovator of the wrestling hold the Sarandon Wrap - blows holes the size of Martian craters in that theory. That’s because a while back Sarandon’s daughter Eva Amurri came to our attention. Only in the foot sense, mind you, did we gaze. We cringed. And we tried to forget about the horrifying experience. Maybe it’s something to do with toenail fungus, jacked up feet and walking around bare tootsied when the toilet bowl overflows. Or possibly, like hair, Amurri was just having a bad paw day. Those things happen and we understand. Now comes Oscar-winning mom to the rescue. And for an old broad in her Sixties, Susan looks like there’s a couple of good moments left with those arches before the dirt piles on top of her pine box. As the photo would indicate, Sarandon, poised possibly to dodge a vat of manure being hurled her way for one of her progressive causes, is maybe best remembered for her lesbo turn with Catherine Deneuve in The Hunger. And proving that time pulls dirty tricks on us all, Sarandon was once considered a sex symbol. She went naked in a couple of her flicks and was voted best celebrity breasts in a Playboy magazine poll, crediting her nipples. With no one left to take the credit, Sarandon, like her turn in Bull Durham, plays a lonely ballgame. And those cricket bats supporting her knees ain’t gonna get any wolf whistles, either. But the feet, if we’re willing to overlook Medicaid and Social Security, score “6″ runs in the bottom of the ninth. Not enough to win, but at least there was an attempt to die tryin’.

Posted in 6 out of 10, Susan Sarandon | No Comments »

9 out of 10 Feet Up!

In her role as Charlotte in Sex and the City, Kristin Davis always struck us as the tight ass of the group- kinda close-minded and very close legged. No more. Especially when the Internet came alive recently with suggestions that Davis had been in a sex tape. Oh there were the haughty denials from the Davis P.R. camp, of course. Except, let’s face it. The woman in the tape was either Davis or Wanda Slinkowski, a famous Davis impersonator. We’ll probably never know. As soon as that furor died down, Davis was back in the news again. Only now she was being confused with a fat-assed, thick legged peroxide hooker in New York with the same name. What’s a girl to do? More famous now than she’s ever been- at least by sexual association- the formerly reticent Davis is really opening up. Day after day there’s a new tabloid account about how Davis is an inveterate boozer and desirous of having a child before her Fallopian tubes close off. A weekend supplying both those needs could be quite the thing, we imagine. Davis makes no bones about the fact, either, that she’s open to any come-on involving celebrity and has spent time on the pillows with the likes of Steve Martin, Alec Baldwin, Jeff Goldbum and Liev Schreiber. Two of which are toupee wearers but you can figure that one out for yourselves. With her choices of companionship, any Five & Dime shrink will make the case for Davis and her daddy/abandonment issues. Particularly since her parents split up when Davis was still in the crib shitting her pants. In the healing process, our theory is much simpler. Blow smoke up that Hong Kong hooker outfit of hers and watch the fur fly, if you will. Another five will get you “9″ that by the time those shoes come off and thumbs are applying pressure to those womanly calves, playful toes and heavenly arches, Kristen will have forgotten all about Alec Baldwin and her father. And wouldn’t that be Freudian.

Posted in 9 out of 10, Kristin Davis | 10 Comments »

2 out of 10 Feet Up!

Back when Indiana Jones was clashing with teutonic Raiders and discovering Lost Arks, Karen Allen was pretty hot stuff. Maybe even more so in the iconic National Lampoon’s Animal House. That’s because Allen, it always struck us, had that date rape-face with the twisted smile and eyes lost somewhere between clouds of stardust and the outer reaches of the universe. But these latest pics of Allen, wearing ceremonial garb from some Mayan human sacrifice, bring all those past Karen fantasies crashing to earth like a meteor toppling an unwary dinosaur. What’s left leaves Karen pretty much what she has become- herself an archaeological artifact waiting to be discovered by her bullwhip cracking lover, the estimable Dr. Jones. Granted, George Lucas found a spot for Allen in the latest “Indie” picture, but that’s more like obligatory obeisance similar to inviting old presidents to the opening of a national library. Allen’s father was an FBI man, and he might prompt an investigation as to what exactly happened. Like Lot’s wife turning to a pillar of salt and Nazis evaporating to piles of dust, some sights should not be gazed upon. In the next rumored Jones’ flick tentatively titled The Curse of Julie Christie, we’ve seen where feet can stop a clock. But Karen should take heart in the fact that “2″ shows up twice a day.

Posted in 2 out of 10, Karen Allen | 1 Comment »