Archive for April, 2008

8 out of 10 Feet Up!

Everybody knows blonde bombshell Diane Kruger as the chick from National Treasures. But, like the pretty magician’s assistant, Kruger’s primary role in those pictures is a diversionary tactic from Nicholas Cage’s hair line. In the third film to be released, Cage finds clues to his scalp. When The Kruge wasn’t so famous, she went totally nude-o in the film Troy and one must be in possession of the director’s cut for full appreciation of Diane’s majestic ass cleavage. Kruger was born Diane Heidkrüger, the German word for “my nasal passages are clogged with gold bars.” She’s the daughter of Hans-Heinrich Heidkrüger the Lord High Mayor of Algermissen, and is possibly a distant third and fourth cousin of Heidi Klum and Heidi Fleiss, respectively, though our research assistants are still looking into these possible connections. In high school Diane rose to prominence in the randy, XXX-rated stage version of Hansel and Gretel where, in a threeway, the wicked witch eats Gretel while Gretel gives wood to the woodcutter. An injury ended The Kruge’s chances of becoming a ballerina and lucky for us since The Kruge never really pulled off the dead swan bit. Because she had a thick German accent, Kruger’s natural inclination was to solicit train commuters for their papers but soon acquired a startling facility with English and was able to get out of traffic tickets. The Kruge soon became interested in acting and took lessons at the Cours Florent which was eventually bought out by Coors Light. Then, in a puzzling turn of events, she altered her last name apparently under the misguided impression it would facilitate her movie career. In this pic The Kruge almost has an ethereal Jessica Lange quality about her and was born the year Lange appeared in King Kong. Coincidence? We don’t think so. Though any woman’s shoe bedecked with the crown jewels of Prussia should be outlawed, our natural inclination is to have recreational knowledge of Diane’s au natural heidkrugers. We give her an “8″ with the passing comment Ich werde ganz nervös, wenn ich Deutsch spreche. She’ll know what we mean.

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1 out of 10 Feet Up!

The football world was stunned recently when Chicago Bears linebacker Brian Urlacher made rumblings about his lavish contract and how unhappy he was with it, and that he might walk, yadda, yadda, yadda. The good news is that Lisa Marie Presley is ready to jump in if push ever comes to shove in the Windy City. Yes, that Lisa Marie- the daughter of The King and swimsuit centerfold for the Ben & Jerry’s Illustrated inaugural edition. Lisa, who plans to compete in this year’s Mr. Olympia, has obviously packed it on since the days she moonwalked down the aisle with Michael Jackson. But haven’t we all. Born in Tennessee, the get very heavy later in life state, Lisa lived in Graceland - which as we all know was the nexus of mental stability. Rumors of Lisa running a comb through her father’s oily pompadour in forbidden moments are flatly denied, however. As any Maharani of Memphis, Lisa Marie was quite pampered and indulged by Elvis who dressed her in fur, lavished her with jewels, and, as the story goes, flew her to Idaho aboard the family private jet just so Lisa could play in the snow. To this day, Lisa Marie maintains that idyllic tradition, only now it’s for impromptu autograph sessions at Fatburger. From the time she was young, Lisa attended schools of scientology, but her brain was often sent to the principal’s office for an ethics car wash. Hard to imagine, considering Elvis’ spotless legacy, but Lisa has admitted to experimenting with drugs. By the time she was 25, Lisa Marie scored the big money when everyone connected to the Elvis holdings was dead, gone, and she became the sole executor of the Heartbreak Hotel residuals. Marriages she’s had a few, but then again, too few to mention. There was some bozo in 1988 and then Jackson, of course. And Nicholas Cage whose own fading hairline could never quite duplicate Elvis’, felt threatened and yammered about “irreconcilable differences.” But we all know the truth to that one. A fourth try with compulsory visits to Lisa’s private Graceland has apparently put her in the Mama Cass condition we now see. Which puts us in a quandary. If we come down heavy on a pregnanto, we’re seen as vicious, cold-hearted sexist bastards seeking the cheap foot thrill. And the point being? “Don’t be cruel to a heart that’s true,” the King often sang. But even with that princely advice we can’t help ignore certain fetish realities. Chunky is as chunky does. The lights turn low, the shoes come off. Put a quarter in the jukebox, Slim. “1″ is the loneliest number….

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3 out of 10 Feet Up!

Porn chick Sunny Lane tells this story about how bunions forced her out of competitive ice skating and into the naked body business. One look at those pickled piggies Kristine Tsuya [sounds like sue ya] Yamaguchi is packing, and we can relate to early retirement. Born in Hayward California in 1971, Yamaguchi, an Olympic champion figure skater and Hall of Famer, wasn’t around for Pearl Harbor and thus can’t be held as a material witness. As a youngster with a club foot, Yamaguchi figured that skating would be good physical therapy. Singer Ray Charles entertained similar ideas about professional baseball. From what we gather, Kristi had a normal upbringing except for those times she insisted on wearing a kimono to public ice rinks. Her first brush with fame came by winning the National pairs skating title with Rudy Galindo who’s often mistaken for Delroy Lindo. After years as a team and whispers that they kept their skates in different arena lockers together, Yamaguchi and Galindo [a natural comedy marquee if there ever was one] split. Yamaguchi flew solo and Galindo, like most male skaters, is still flying. At this point, Yamaguchi’s career became a blur of championships and gold medals. Unfortunately, her club feet took a significant pounding. There was even chatter about a toe telethon in her honor, but Kristi bravely surmounted the odds on her own and eventually won coveted Soy Sauce product endorsements and found places on both a Wheaties box and Dancing with the Stars. She is, as we speak, in first place. Since July 8, 2000, Kristi, an obvious proven winner in all fields, has been married to Bret Hedican, an NHL hockey player she met at the 1992 Winter Olympics. When the subject of hockey pucks came up, it was love from the word goal. In skating competitions, Kristi’s never gotten less than a “9″ so this is going to come somewhat as a shock when she takes home a “3″. For that’s the number in a peck of pickled piggies.

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8 out of 10 Feet Up!

Mr. Sausage was doing the pants dance the moment he first saw the gorgeous 5′11″ Stacy Keibler on the old Ted Turner-based WCW Monday Nitro. With her blond hair piled up and Stacy looking quite businesslike with those pin stripe suits and snooty glasses, she was known as the lap dancing Miss Hancock. Aptly named for the kneejerk response she would prompt in the hearts of trailer park beer lushes everywhere. Surprisingly, after the demise of the Turner organization, the lovely Miss Keibler kept on with professional wrestling which is like Itzhak Perlman forsaking the violin for the accordion. For several years Keibler submitted that lovely face and frame to a host of double entendre riddled storylines whereby she was pregnant one week, nearly naked the next, wore tear away evening gowns, competed in championship bra and panties matches and became Vince McMahon’s on-air mistress. A former cheerleader for The Baltimore Ravens, the NFL’s equivalent of San Quentin, Stacy was pretty smart in college and had a 3.7 GPA which may have been field tested by Miss Hancock’s nightly academic performances in professorial chambers. But who can say for sure. There was a scandal not too long ago, as reported in the Star, that Keibler had been involved in some lesbo sortie with Jennifer Anniston. But who can say for sure. What we can say for sure is that Stacy’s choice of footwear would be forgiven had it been St. Patty’s Day. Otherwise, the Keebler Elves are looking for their Duplex. Now that she’s been kicked off Dancing with the Stars, Stacy continues to seek out even more non-bimbo, prestige-enhancing gigs, and this outfit certainly goes a long way to getting her 5′11″ -sized gunboats in the door. Even so, Miss Hancock earns a foot point average of an “8″ and can see us in our study regarding other Dean’s list assignments for additional consideration.

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1 out of 10 Feet Up!

Not be confused with Edward R. Murrow or Arthur Murray, Eva Amurri is the sorta, kinda lookalike daughter of actress Susan Sarandon. And that can be distracting to any sorta, kinda Tim Robbins impersonators out there, we imagine. Amurri, so far, has done little besides being Sarandon’s daughter, but she’s working on it. Born in New York City, Amurri learned at an early age that being Susan’s daughter bought you a Venti Mild at Starbucks for $1.95, which simply meant that the family connection wasn’t amounting to much. Amurri did have a minor role in the film The Banger Sisters whose porn equivalent Banger Brothers saw 500 pieces go out the door not counting re-orders. Another appearance in Saved! starring Macaulay Culkin certainly guarantees Amurri some additional play at Culkin film festivals. Amurri graduated from Brown University in 2007 with a degree in bandy legged attitude as this photo might suggest. For playing along and being such a good sport, we give Eva a Famous Feet Daily Play at home game, a “1″ and a Dr. Scholl’s incipient toe nail fungus home remedy kit.

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