Archive for April, 2008

Perfect 10 Feet Up!

As they say in the Georgia backwoods, damn, those piggies look playful. Often mistaken for the Russian seamstress Lenka Garagova, Emmy Rossum, an actress who specializes in disaster flick heroines [The Day After Tomorrow, Phantom of the Opera and Poseidon], is perhaps best known as the chick who winds up floating face down in Mystic River. Often criticized for her choices of dead end roles, Rossum’s in current negotiations to star in World War III: No Tomorrow. Born in New York City, Rossum’s mother, Sheryl, is a corporate photographer and her father a banker. Caught in the resultant occupational tug-of-war, Rossum toyed with the idea of downloading mug shots of Fortune 500 felons for The Smoking Gun website, but discovered she had a gift for singing Happy Birthday in 12 different keys. Chuck E. Cheese laid big bucks at her gorgeous feet, but Emmy chose the cultural path. She joined the Metropolitan Opera Children’s Chorus whereupon an additional gift was the fact that she could do the Beatles song book in 24 languages including Farsi. By the time she outgrew children’s costumes, Emmy was often seen in the Times Square district of the city humming entire sections of La Boheme, Turandot and The Damnation of Faust. You’d figure that menial operatic gigs would be Emily’s choice of careers but you’d be wrong. Pointless TV gigs were more to her style. Emmy got a recurring role as the original Abigail Williams, in the long-running daytime soap As the World Turns, and because of some vague resemblance, was picked to play Audrey Hepburn in the inspired ABC TV - titled movie, The Audrey Hepburn Story. A cultural footnote: Hepburn dies. Then in 2006, Rossum appeared as Juliet in a Williamstown Theatre Festival Production of Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet. What is with this chick and decomposing bodies you might ask? However, a rumor that Rossum will be playing Edgar Allan Poe’s love interest in the musical version of Annabel Lee is seriously being looked into by our research staff. A stickler for what she terms “emotional honesty,” Rossum, predictably, cites Dolly Parton as an influence. Among the Emmy fun facts is that she suffers from celiac disease, an auto-immune disorder marked by the body’s intolerance of food containing gluten. Tabloid gossip averse, Rossum’s made the point of avoiding the paparazzi. So it’s truly ironic that this snap was taken by one. Judging from the photo, our guess is that Emmy’s cleavage would be the subject of another disaster movie. But no matter. The ardent footman overlooks such trivialities and awards “10″s on the basis of emotional honesty. In Emmy, the truth is somewhere between her fine suckable toes.

Posted in Emmy Rossum, Perfect 10 | No Comments »

5 out of 10 Feet Up!

In the pantheon of puzzling celebrity, Robin Givens has an honored plaque on the front door of the ladies’ room. In part due to Givens’ highly publicized failed marriage to sports legend Mike Tyson, one would assume. Which may or may not have scored Givens $10 million in a divorce settlement in which she claimed spousal abuse. Difficult to believe given Iron Mike’s humanitarian track record. Givens claims she got squat which is also very hard to swallow because parking attendants in Vegas are raising kids from the Tyson boxing legacy. Another spectacular failure on the part of Givens was a talk show she hosted called Forgive or Forget- a hapless gig she happened on by virtue of being the ex- Mrs. Mike. Givens’ vaginally-enhanced accomplishments don’t end there, however. A perennial guest on Larry King Live, Given often tells the rollicksome story of the time she and Brad Pitt were in a hotel room and how Tyson broke the door down in an attempt to rearrange Brad’s pretty boy face. It may or may not be bullshit, but Givens claims she gave up Harvard Medical School to be on Cosby. If true, a decision similar to forsaking the Nobel Peace Prize for The Gong Show. In 2007, Givens toured the country playing a part in Tyler Perry’s play, “Men, Money & Golddiggers” which some overly harsh critics have suggested is the title of her autobiography. We say otherwise. Sure Givens married [later dumping] suave tennis instructor Svetozar Marinkovic just so she could have the family name and crest. Sure she played a little one-on-one against basketball legend Michael Jordan. And of course Givens amused herself with a little hide the mike with shock jock Howard Stern. But all of these dalliances are circumstantial in terms of the total picture. Look at this photo and what do you see? We see a sincere woman wearing a shit-eating grin and an overgrown Cinderella suit. Yeah, Prince Charming is matching up shoes, and it’s a tough choice between Givens and Naomi Campbell at this point. Except Robin’s alimony payments in perpetuity give her otherwise unspectacular toes a bunion-free and jewel-bedecked look. With a podiatrist next on her dating list, how can you help but give her an anticipated “5″?

Posted in 5 out of 10, Robin Givens | 1 Comment »

1 out of 10 Feet Up!

Picture Demi Moore with a manly Bruce Campbell chin, and you’ve got Rumer Glenn Willis. You wouldn’t expect the daughter of Bruce Willis to have been born in Paducah, Kentucky, nor with an ungodly handle like Rumer. But we’re sure that all the women out there named Canard feel exactly the same way. Rumer dropped out of the University of Southern California to pal with Lindsay Lohan and Elvis Presley’s granddaughter, Riley, so you can see pretty much where this disaster is headed. Willis made her film debut alongside her mother in the Now and Then, where she played Angela Albertson. Specializing in characters named Angela, the following year she was Angela Grant in the film Striptease. Realizing her career was headed for a creative rut, Rumer switched gears and appeared alongside her father in the picture, Hostage, this time playing a character named Amanda. Finding a project more to her liking and personal style, Rumer will have a cameo in an imminent car wreck titled, Whore. While rumors, pardon the pun, abound about her on perezhilton.com, here’s one that obviously isn’t. Realizing that club feet have become a fashion trend among young celebrities, we didn’t realize that it’s such an open-toed celebration as well. Call us old fashioned, but we like out feet arched and traveling in one direction. The sign post up ahead. Route “1″.

Posted in 1 out of 10, Rumer Willis | No Comments »

8 out of 10 Feet Up!

TV personality Olivia Munn began her career as Lisa Munn but changed her name not to be confused with THE Lisa Munn, a retired postal employee, residing in Smackover, Arkansas. Also since 2006, Munn has been one of the faces of the video games lifestyle cable network G4, which, up until now, we always thought was a government pay rating. A YouTube clip of her eating a hot dog is quite the sensation, we’re also told. Although born in Oklahoma, Munn was raised in the Shinjuku district of Japan a factor that probably divides her loyalties whenever The Sooners play the University of Nagasaki in college football. During her stay in The Land of the Rising Sun, Munn appeared in a number of local theater productions, including the slap knee comedy version of Madame Butterfly. The Neil Simon touches were considered stylishly unique in the rollicksome re-telling of a suicide. Munn subsequently moved back to the US, settled in Los Angeles and worked as a sideline reporter for women’s basketball where her deployment of a stepladder was considered an amusing interviewing novelty. Munn had also gained a small role in the straight to video horror film Scarecrow Gone Wild, about a disfigured underage bikini model who flashes Joe Francis. She also appeared in the film The Road to Canyon Lake which took a left turn into the Wal-Mart discount bin. But the exciting news is that Munn’s making her debut of significance in a Rob Schneider movie titled Big Stan about a guy and his body part. No doubt, too, Munn gets points in the cuteness category, and she’s a definite “hachi” in our book. We’ll save you the time of looking it up. It’s an “8″ with two Kikomans off for that soy sauce blemish on her left foot.

Posted in 8 out of 10, Olivia Munn | No Comments »

2 out of 10 Feet Up!

If you’ve been keeping up with this kind of news, the normally reserved and sensitive British tabloids have been all over supermodel Naomi Campbell like an auditor on Wesley Snipes. They’re saying that Campbell, who was born in London, is going bald with photos to prove it. Yup, sure enough, look at the forehead even in this shot and Naomi’s hairline’s parting like the Red Sea. This, due to years of extensions and straighteners. Even so, our guess puts it as a cheap publicity stunt to boost Naomi’s film, National Endowment. It’s a spin off of National Treasure in which she searches for a reliable breast enhancement and co-star Nicholas Cage discovers a cave full of remarkably preserved 18th century toupees. Socko entertainment is the advanced word. Campbell, a biracial Afro-Jamaican with a touch of Chinese, has never met her father, though she might want to start checking out all the Reggae song stylists in Peking for clues. The fact that Campbell at age 7 was tapped to appear in the Bob Marley music video, Is This Love, gives us a hunch that we’re on the right track. Campbell also appeared as a tap dancer in the Boy George video I’ll Tumble 4 Ya, and the fact that Boy is now balder than an eggplant leads us to believe there’s more to this hair conspiracy than meets the eye. You’d figure with her name, Naomi would have been the logical spokesmodel for Campbell’s Chicken Gumbo Soup, but you’d be quite wrong. Her supermodel powerhouse resume is way more particular. However, in a book titled Swan, originally attributed to her authorship, Campbell neglected one minor detail at its publication. She didn’t write it, later shrugging off the fact that she didn’t have time to attend to that aspect. A designer of women’s fragrances, Campbell created a stink when she physically assaulted her then assistant with a telephone. You’ll recognize that as the now standard Russell Crowe Manhattan hotel m.o. Another assistant, later, was beat on the head with a BlackBerry personal organizer. One more instance allegedly involved a computer monitor and someone’s face but that may have been one of those spirited tabloid inventions. In any event, Naomi’s left a trail of stitches all over the planet and leaves us in them with this “his and hers” pants outfit from the Hillary Clinton fashion warehouse. All of which declares the more obvious. There are scars on them feet, and a gaudy right ankle bracelet shouldn’t be pointing them out. Were they “2″ victims of second degree assault, or the playful result of a round house kick to a plate glass window? P.S. - if you have huge bunions, it’s generally advisable to keep them from bursting out from between your shoe straps.

Posted in 2 out of 10, Naomi Campbell | 1 Comment »