Archive for March, 2008

7 out of 10 Feet Up!

Kim Kardashian is another of those Hollywood socialites who has done absolutely nothing and is getting paid to do it. As you may or may not know, her late father, Robert Kardashian, was OJ Simpson’s attorney which is like H&R Block advertising their co-signing of Al Capone’s final income tax statement. Already divorced from her father, Kim’s mother Kris remarried Bruce Jenner, a fabled Olympian who set the plastic surgery standard back by at least 50 years with the hack job he got on his once handsome kisser. But leave it to Kim to achieve her own dubious distinctions. By co-starring in a sex tape with then- boyfriend rapper Ray J, Kim managed a hefty lawsuit and received a reported $5 Million from porn company Vivid Video who got their mitts on it. At five bucks a pop on the Internet, let’s hope Vivid tallied a million hits to make that lapse of judgment worthwhile. Where Kim goes from here is a question only the Gods of Gossip and the bookers of Dancing with the Stars can answer. But knowing a fast fading icon when he sees one, WWE titan Vince McMahon signed Kim on as hostess of WrestleMania XXIV scheduled in Orlando, March 30, 2008. Pictured in a dress that would look comfortable on any wrestling diva, Kardashian assumes the kind of strut and jaunty pose you learn at the Madison Square Garden school of fashion. And while that saucy, come hither foot-look might earn you 300 Francs an hour on the Champs d’Elyse, we’re in for about a “7″ and change.

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6 out of 10 Feet Up!

If you had seen battling anorexic Portia de Rossi in her heyday- before she had become Ellen DeGeneres’ Butch Cassidy - you would have sworn she was one of the hottest things on two well fed feet. Born Amanda Lee Rogers in Melbourne Australia, de Rossi, who began modeling at an early age, adopted the Italianate claiming she was dealing with her struggles about being gay. So she picks for her new name a Shakespearean character, and, as we all know, those were men pretending to be women. Funny, and we always thought Rossi was one half of a comedy team with Marty Allen. de Rossi in her bio meant the character Portia, of course, and we’re being extremely silly. (Historical but irrelevant note: Portia de Rossi was also the name of the mother of the eminent Italian bard, Torquato Tasso, but subsequently abandoned her son to live with the perverse 16th century funny woman Elenora Generato.]Pissing a promising legal career down the drain, de Rossi studied at the University of Melbourne Law School, but left before finishing to pursue acting. Notorious for baring her butt on the silver screen, de Rossi may or may not have adopted the alltogether in the randy Hugh Grant nudie pic, Sirens, we can’t say for sure. But she certainly attracted international attention when she joined the cast of the Ally McBeal TV series in 1998 as the fully clothed lawyer Nelle Porter. Although her nature is to hanker for vagina, de Rossi, in an excruciating display of heterosexuality, married documentary filmmaker Mel Metcalfe then later came out to play with singer Francesca Gregorini, the daughter of actress Barbara Bach and stepchild of Ringo Starr. Then, Oblah-Di Oblah-Da, life goes on, de Rossi began getting it on with DeGeneres. A staunch advocate of volume mousse shampoo for her soft faux dreads, de Rossi’s best known for adapting her hair to various moods, whims and caprices. Were her wardrobe so versatile. Although here Portia assumes a billowy look that would stand tall and proud on any Vegas cocktail lounge bar stool. And, quite frankly, we’re amazed that Houdini’s old trick handcuffs could be adapted into footwear. Portia, with a clean toe appearance, escapes with a “6″.

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5 out of 10 Feet Up!

When we see Tori Spelling in any of her current reincarnations, we’re reminded of an old creepy film from the Universal Pictures vault titled The Raven. In it, Boris Karloff, playing a psycho on the lam, goes to a plastic surgeon [Bela Lugosi] and asks that Lugosi give him a new face.”Of course, Bateman, I’ll give you a new face!” Lugosi tells Karloff in one of those sinister, haunted house cackles that suggests plenty of otherwise. And such is the career of Tori Spelling. Always in search of a new look and plenty of the Aaron Spelling largesse, otherwise, to pay for it. You see, when your father owns television, it’s fairly easy to get on it, and Tori, provided the cameras didn’t get too close, enjoyed the advantages of principality. Tori’s best remembered from Beverly Hills 90210, a show that launched almost as many undistinguished careers as the zip code suggests. So with enough money to personally underwrite Bush’s war in Iraq, Tori’s been concentrating on motherhood, more or less, in case you suspected she was sneaking a bowling ball under that green smock. Personally, we like our women with shape and substance to the calf [batons are for conducting orchestras], and are willing to grant Tori points for maternity despite those coal chutes she’s getting around on. With Mother’s Day right around the corner, we send Tori a foot-felt “5″.

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7 out of 10 Feet Up!

Some people are famous for a lot less. And it was at the age of 17 that Shoshanna Lonstein Gruss, who apparently has a Jewish New Year named after her, was thrust into the limelight by almost marrying comic Jerry Seinfeld. Unfortunately, no one saw anything funny about it, however, and the shit hit the proverbial public relations fan with Jerry being accused of everything but the Mann act. The relationship, which got tried in the court of brutal public opinion, didn’t last. But, on her behalf, Shoshanna, now almost 33, managed to weather the storm of controversy while settling for an investment analyst named Joshua Gruss Then, again, it doesn’t hurt to have a father with money, either. So, with a loan from dear old pop, Shoshanna, sporting another one of those obsolete degrees- this one in art history- started up a clothing company devoted to women with big tits and small waist lines. And goodness knows there’s so many millions out there who fit that profile. Not. While you’d think that with the eyes of the couturier world upon her, Shoshanna would manage a flattering ensemble at every turn. Apparently another not. Wearing a drape from the House of Blah, dimpled Shoshanna reveals the fact that Jerry may have been something of a foot freak. We see all the possibilities of a little grab toe under the table with her, but are content with giving Shoshanna a “7″ - knowing that her rich daddy will spring for the other 3 points.

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Perfect 10 Feet Up!

In the world of combovers, the one-haired Donald Trump is king. And with all his gazillions, The Donald proves that while money can’t buy you hearty follicles, it certainly disputes the Beatles’ notion that it can’t buy you love, either. Just get a load of Melania Trump, a former fashion model of sorts. And proof that Paul McCartney’s a total chump for having shelled out $50 million in a divorce settlement with nothing to show for it but sex with a stump. Deal maker Donald, who’s known for discarding former wives like spent condoms, got the better deal, obviously, with Melania who once appeared nude in the British GQ. And it’s only our fervent desire that there be a repeat performance sometime in the future. Which could be soon, given The Donald’s track record for marital attention spans. In this photo, Melania, tastefully attired in black, hoists the young Trump [a perfect replica of the old man, by the way] whose birth name is Barron William. We shit you not. Is there a receding pompadour in this young lad’s future? That we can’t say, but we sure as hell would love to have his mom combover to our house for a game of barefoot Monopoly. Ah those succulent, tanned, snooty and perfect Yugoslavian toes. The dice roll a “10″ for Melania

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