Wednesday, September 17th, 2008

Penelope Cruz’s Feet

Click To Enlarge Feet

Click To Enlarge Feet

Only an ignorant chicken sucker would hold the fact against Penelope Cruz that she appeared in, arguably, the worst film of all time, Vanilla Sky. When, in fact, this was an English language remake of a foreign movie, Abre los ojos (translated in some languages as “duck without beak”) which was even more excruciating to bear. And Cruz happened to be in that one, too. Coincidence? We think not. In the manner of Cruz, (her intoxicated friends often call her Penna-lope) ours is to forgive, forget and overlook the little melanoma she has on her right ankle. More notably, Cruz, at one time, was the beard for Tom Cruise. And it was often difficult to distinguish who was being gossiped about since they practically had the same last name. An arranged marriage would also have presented a problem since she’d be known as Penelope Cruz-Cruise and, thus, be mistaken for a pasta that originated in North Africa many years ago. After the Cruise affair, Penelope went on to date Matthew McConaughey but that relationship came to an abrupt end when she discovered, quite by accident, when it became entangled in a surfboard, that he wore cleverly disguised hairpieces. Or so the story goes. Born in Madrid, Cruz’s father was an auto maker, her mother a hairdresser and young Penelope was compelled to blow dry wet Ford Mustangs for reasons, at the time, she didn’t quite comprehend. When alerted that this was potentially deviant behavior, she, instead, focused her energies on dancing and studied classical ballet for nine years. Such training normally beefs up the calf muscles, but didn’t have that effect upon the lean Penelope who remained built like a guard rail throughout her teens years and into adulthood. But this didn’t hinder Penelope from being offered plum roles to play blind prostitutes in Spanish TV melodramas. In 2006, Cruz managed an even crappier movie than Vanilla Sky, if that’s possible, by co-starring with Salma Hayek in Bandidas which was supposed to have been a biopic about Antonio Banderas until some alert P.A. discovered the misspelling. But too late. With all this behind her, it’s highly suspected that Cruz might get an Academy award nom for playing Javier Bardem’s unstable wife in Woody Allen’s Vicky Cristina Barcelona, a co-remake of Annie Hall and Manhattan to look like Vanilla Sky. In the fashion department, Penelope’s insouciant continental flippancy is reflected in this black cat dragged out of a Halloween bag look. Stare for awhile. It takes some getting used to. But does Penelope care? Her disdainful look says not likely. Further down we explore her means of ambulatory transportation. While no train wreck, Penelope did walk away with obvious scratches if you check out the top of the left foot more closely. We’re seeing an “8″ but with another Woody Allen remake, there could be awards possibilities.

Celebrity: 8 out of 10, Penelope Cruz | 1 Comment »

Wednesday, September 10th, 2008

Katie Holmes’ Feet

Click To Enlarge Feet

7 out of 10 Feet Up!

Because she is who she is, rumors will continue to abound about the pixy-ish Katie Holmes. Is she a plant merely to deflect vicious gossip away from her much talked-about hubby Tom Cruise? Remember, it was Cruise who once went on the attack against allegations that gay male wrestlers were his frequent headlock companions. Or is Katie a Rosemary’s Baby-type sacrificial sex shill proffered to Cruise by a seedy love cult? These are very weird times, and who can tell about these sorts of things. On the other hand, the satanic-colored toenail polish only excites the imagination more concerning these and other cockeyed Katie sex stories. Known primarily for her role in TV’s Dawson’s Creek [she auditioned for it via Federal Express, so the story goes], Holmes was born in Toledo. Her father’s an attorney who specializes in divorce, so Katie’s obviously got an exit strategy worked out. In Toledo, Katie attended parochial school, was a cheerleader, a 4.0 student and pledged virginity faithfully until marriage. Holmes got into modeling at the age of 14 and subsequently turned down the lead for Buffy The Vampire Slayer thus saddling audiences interminably with the annoying Sarah Michelle Gellar. Director Ang Lee also liked Holmes’ “perfect amount of innocence” and cast her in one of his movies. Too bad it wasn’t Brokeback Mountain because we’d have had more Cruise jokes to crack. Decked out in  an outfit from the highly exclusive L. Ron Hubbard collection, Katie more than dwarfs the competition in all things fashionable, it would appear. However, a strange lump forms on her right foot, but alien pregnancy rumors have been dogging Katie’s days for a long time. Still we must adhere to standards. Cute or not, a “7″ is a standard issue rating in such instances- that is until we hear from those madcap Scientologists.

Celebrity: 7 out of 10, Katie Holmes | 1 Comment »

Wednesday, September 3rd, 2008

Katherine Heigl’s Feet

Click To Enlarge Feet

6 out of 10 Feet Up!

Raised a Mormon and a strong proponent of organ donation, Katherine Heigl is one charity we’d like to lend an organ to if it will raise the blood pressure. Get the drift? Heigl grew up in the very wealthy environs of New Canaan, Connecticut and was a former child model until she became an older one. Once the powers-that-be saw her pics in the Sears Catalogue,  offers began pouring in like sweating bulls in an Iowa mating pen. Heigl subsequently dropped out of New Canaan High School after her sophomore year to pursue a career in Hollywood where she landed parts in various Disney fare and, later, stellar projects such as Bride of Chucky. And who can forget Katherine when she played opposite Steven Seagal in the action thriller Under Siege 2: Dark Territory? We confess that we did because our attention was drawn more to Seagal’s cosmetic hair filler, counterfeit ponytail and old guy Kung Fu techniques. Being a babe, Katherine has also made it on a lot of most sexy lists. The culmination of her dreams, assuredly, was when Barbara Walters named her one of “The 11 Most Fascinating People of 2007, ” an honor for which there is no tangible reward except in the bragging arenas of the mind. That being the case, you might look for Katherine  in the next Dos Equis beer commercial where besides being the most interesting woman in the world, her toes as well as charisma, can be seen from outer space. Yes, they are tanned, and yes, the one situated next to her battered left toe appears to be branching out with a business plan of its own. Swathed in haughty 1940’s roadhouse chic with a full-chinned facial expression to match, Katherine doesn’t seem to be paying much attention to this discrepancy, however. So she shouldn’t mind a “6? because, after all, Barbara Walters doesn’t lavish her praise based on irreconcilable pedicures.

Celebrity: 6 out of 10, Katherine Heigl | 1 Comment »

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